As I sit here drinking out of the coffee mug that I got on clearance at Target for $1.50, I think about why I bought it... could be that I like coffee and don't care what's on the mug I drink it in. Or it could be because it has a picture of the Old Round Barn on it and it makes me think about the road trip Miguel and I took to Oklahoma many years ago. We spent some time driving down Rt 66, stopping to see the tourist attractions and to take random pictures in the middle of the highway. It was a great time, one that I wish we could repeat. Which brings me to todays topic....
This morning while drinking my coffee, I'm feeling kinda bummed. After taking Andrew to school this morning, I passed many houses that had Christmas decorations & lights still on from the night before. It made me want to go find some inexpensive lights to secretively put on our house while the kids were inside or at church so that I could surprise them when they got home. We've never put lights up outside simply because the cost of lights has always just been something we've never budgeted for. Our money has to go to certain things around the holidays and lights for the house has never been one of those things.
I immediately think about getting the girls dressed and ready to go run to Big Lots, for I heard their lights were really cheap. But then I remember that the kids don't have gifts yet and every single last penny has to go toward them so they will have something to open on Christmas morning. This thought brings me down a bit as I start wishing I had money like I used to. Seems when I worked full-time, we were able to just go out and buy things without giving it a second thought.
Trips on the weekend, gifts bought and sent to friends near and far... holiday cards & presents for friends & family able to be bought without question. Parties that we could host, plays and festivals we could attend... It was never something we worried about before. It was easy to hand over the debit card and not worry about how we were going to pay for the doctor appointment next week.
It's funny how we don't realize what we have until it's gone. I've been home for 3 years now and have learned how to live without that $37000 per year. I don't get Starbucks every day. I don't stop and grab a large fry or a breakfast sandwich at McDonald's like I used to. Heck, trips to McD's have become a really special treat to the kids since we never go anymore :) I eat whatever I can find in the house (which thank the Lord, I can always find something), I make my own sweet tea. I haven't bought a new pair of jeans, pants, shoes, or nice shirt really, in these last 3 years. If I go "shopping", it's for a reason, and I always go to the clearance section first and only pay full price when and if I absolutely have to. Resale shops have always been my friend, but now even more so. Love me a used pair of jeans for Macy for $4.50 :)
While I ache to go out and shop for myself some clothes or earrings or just anything, and while I really wish I could run out and get some lights for the house or Christmas gifts for all of our family members (this year it's limited to our kids only most likely), I still have to thank God.... He is still there. He has allowed me to still live joyfully with what I have (and what I think I don't have).
When deciding to stay at home 3 years ago, we weren't sure how we'd make it on one income alone. But it worked out. Just when the bank account is looking bare and we're trying to figure out how to make it those last few days before payday, God blesses us again and again and again. I've learned to stock up on the dented cans of food in the clearance section at Kroger when I am able to. And while I don't coupon, I am able to find cereal and other pantry items to keep on hand for pretty cheap... So my pantry is full, for this I am grateful. My fridge is bare most of the time, but that doesn't mean we don't eat. We always have food, God is the reason for that. Because I don't work, I don't need those new clothes. I can get by wearing the old clothes I've had for years and years. God has given us people in our lives to watch our kids for free the time or two we've needed them. He has provided us with the blessing of hand-me-down clothes from people who are looking to get rid of things. When our cars have broken down, we've found out ways (or people have generously helped us in different ways) to fix them, or to just get by with me walking to Andrews school every day for a month to pick him up without a car. We've even given up money-making photo sessions in order to provide budget-friendly sessions to people in need so that they can have those valuable photos to last a lifetime that they wouldn't before be able to afford.
I miss giving. I used to send care packages to my friends, and I miss that. Even the $5 in postage is just too much sometimes, so I have to refrain and just send an email instead. I miss taking those weekend trips to just play and enjoy my family. But instead, we stay in town and try to find free things to do with the kids. My kids may not be enrolled in sports, gymnastics, or dance classes, but they are still learning and experiencing things that they enjoy. And one day when we can swing it, they will get that chance again to do what they love.
As I sit back on the couch watching my two girls sleep, I realize how blessed I am to get to say that... to get to sit at home and watch my kids sleep in, instead of getting up early to send them off to daycare. I may look across the room and see the Christmas tree that has half the number of working lights as it should have and wish I could buy us a new tree one of these years, but I know God could care less about my tree and I start to feel the same way. There's so much more important things than a tree with broken lights.
God is good, people. He has provided joy even when I feel like crying. He has provided food when we were hungry. He has provided friends when we were lonely. And He has allowed me to know that this won't always be this way.... and that I need to enjoy this time before it's gone, as this is my only chance to stay at home with my kids and there will be plenty of time later in life to decorate the house, buy people all of the gifts they want, to go on all of the road trips we want to take. All in His time, not mine.
I am blessed. Broke, but blessed. And that's all that matters. :)
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